It is real, folks! For the longest time I've been being told "it's a made up disease. It's not real, if you think you are depressed just change your attitude. Mind over matter." I wish it were only that easy. I honestly can't pinpoint exactly when I knew I was depressed or thought I might be depressed. It was just fairly recently though that I finally came out and verbally told a few people that I thought I was. Though, it's more than a thought......I know I am. I also know that I need help. My marriage has been falling apart because of it. I've lost touch with friends because of it. I feel like I am losing touch with family members because of it. I feel like no one wants to be around me because of it. Though I try so hard to hide it, I'm sure it shines through. I hope that my "coming out" so to speak on here will be the next step in me finding the courage to seek the professional help I need. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I don't want to feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I want people to love me and love being around me. More importantly, I want to feel worthy of being loved. So that I can fully love someone back.
I know some people are sick/jealous/whatever you want to call it of the many trips we go on. Those trips.......are my escape. For whatever reason, when we go on these trips I'm able to forget about the depression. Not completely, but enough that I feel somewhat free. They mean a lot to me and it's nice to have that feeling, even if it's only for a while. I want so badly to feel like that all the time. To feel like my life has a purpose and to be a good mother to my children. Because right now I don't feel that I'm enough. I want my husband to love me again and I want to be able to love him back. I am truly grateful that he cares enough to stick beside me and work through things.
I don't think there are many people that read this blog. And that's okay. I've said time and time again, it's for our families records. I don't know if this is something that really needs to be written down for our records or not. This might be more just for me. I don't do much for myself. But writing this feels a bit freeing. It may be hard for some to understand. I just feel like I am that much closer to finding the courage and overcoming my fears and anxiety to seek the help I need. If anyone does read this, all I ask is for understanding. If you don't understand what depression is or how it can make someone feel I encourage you to look it up. If you know someone who is depressed or shows signs of depression, befriend them. I promise that is one thing they really want. They may not be the best at showing how much you mean to them but knowing that someone cares can really be all that they need to make it through the day.
I'm looking forward to having that light in my eyes again. If anyone does read this, feel free to pray for me! I could use anything and everything to help get the courage towards taking this next step.
8 comments:
Love you!! I read your blog all the time, although I may not leave comments. You are a strong person! You are a great mother!! I'm sure it's hard being away from family, just know we love and miss each one of you every day!! I'm glad you shared your feelings, it's a start, it's not fun keeping all those emotions in. We need to skype soon, I promise not to embarrass you in public, like at a park, lol. Hope to talk soon:)
Praying for you! You are an amazing woman and an incredible mother!
So proud of you Brooke!!! You have
made the first step by admitting the
problem of depression and a lot of
people don't. Now you need to pick up the phone and make the appointment to talk to someone.
You are in my prayers always!!!
Love you,
Mom
Brooke,
This is very heartbreaking to read but at the same time, we're proud of you. I know you're a very private person but sharing this, no matter how many readers you have, is monumental. Good for you. I really do hope that you seek the help and support you need. Have you thought of a depression support group? You'll be around people at all stages of depression with advice and support but also be able to relate to someone and make friends.
Just know that we love you and support you in everything you do. If you do anything for yourself, do this, seek help. In the end, it won't be just for you, it will affect everyone around you too.
Please let me know if there is any way I can help you, even if it's just an ear to vent, an extended shoulder to cry on, or an "electronic" hand to hold, I'll be there any way I can.
We love you Brooke and we are proud.
Love,
Bryan, Kim and Hannah
(writing- Kim)
Brooke- Be strong and make that appointment. Find a support group. I know how hard it is but you are making the first step in admitting the depression has taken a part of your life. I went to a support group and met a lot of amazing people who actually understand how you feel. Depression is real and people who have never experienced it have no idea how damaging it can be. You are an amazing person, and mother. I know how difficult it must be to be so far away from home. We all love you very much and are always here for you no matter what! Email us everyday if you need to!!! Keep in touch w/ your friends there because they can be a big support for you!!
Love you very much !!
Aunt Ang
Brooke, I love you!!!! I consider you one of my closest friends and I value our friendship. I am sorry that you are battling with depression. I haven't been in your same boat, but for sure have had glimpses of depression and it is not fun. I can only imagine what you are going through. I think that by recognizing that's what you have, you are off on the right track! I have had many friends with depression and once they have gotten on the right meds (because it is an illness like you said!) and some therapy, it has helped SO much! I wish that we lived closer and could hang out more often. I think it is hard living over here (Europe in general) b/c outsiders look at all of our trips and think that we live the most glorious lives. Yes, we do get to go on awesome trips, but every other aspect in our lives is harder in my opinion and can be really lonely. Hang in there Brooke!!!!! Love you!!!
Boogie, we love you no matter what. I just wished you would have said something earlier-- isn't that always the case. I know being in Iceland was my breaking point, thinking it was just the weather, no sun, I can get over this feeling..... Go get some Zoloft, it will help tremendously, and balance your hormones. I kept putting it off too--no need to, just do it. Lord, wrap your arms around Brooke like only You can, strengthen her at this time and the Doctor she will see, guide them in making the best decisions for making Brooke the best she can be. Amen. Love you, Aunt Pam
Brooke,
We love you and are sad we are so far apart now. We're not always the best at keeping in touch but we are almost always thinking about you guys. We will pray for you and will put your name on the temple prayer list as well. Let us know if we can help at all. We think you are an incredible person, truly a choice daughter of our Heavenly Father. Thank you for all your kindness and love you've shown to us over the years.
Love,
Kevin, Tami, Abby, Kaiya, Kinley, and ???
Post a Comment